How to Identify a Junk Addict
Sometimes I catch Mr. Old House Chic looking at me like he just doesn’t get the addiction of the antique, vintage, salvage and junk world. He is hugely supportive unless I ask him to do something dangerous/unrealistic or will piss off my Mama if I get hurt.
A good example would be the request of him slowing the car to 10 mph on the highway so that I can hang side saddle style out of the window of the car to grab what appeared to be a treasure not to be passed up in the center lane of the busy roadway.
We will peer at each other at this point each with a different look on our faces- his will be a look of surprise/wonderment/admiration that I must have creatively found my way out of a mental ward and have survived this long with great determination to fool those around me.
Oh, but he knows the secret: I am a full blown addict to the antique, vintage, salvage and junk world.
The look on my face will be pity/empathy/amazement that he hasn’t given up and come to the junk side because at some point he will so he might as well wave the white flag and c’mon over.
So, with that in mind, I came up with a list for our loved ones so that they might better understand our addiction to the wonderful world of junk.
1. We get more excited when you bring home an awesome free curbside find than if you were to bring home a bouquet of flowers- unless the flowers are antique rose bushes or old flowering bulbs salvaged from an old homestead.
2. My multiple mountain ranges of magazines, books and catalogues have names. Each range is called Flea Market Finds, Romantic Country, French Country, Flea Market Style, This Old House, Restoration Hardware, Pottery Barn- and is essential to my junk collecting. You call the teeter tottering piles scary, I call it market research. I’ll dig you out of the avalanche if the pile overtakes you. In the meantime, turn on your avalanche beacon and start reading.
3. The car of our dreams is a giant box truck or cargo van not a Lamborghini. If you bring a two seater home, be prepared to get creative with the tie downs and be willing to have a free curbside dresser strapped to the top.
4. We can’t sleep the night before a fabulous flea market, even though we have to be up by 4am, because we are dreaming of the next best find that we know is just waiting for us there.
5. We have a standing date with our doctors for a tetanus shot because our true love is rust.
6. We have a specific facial expression called “Fight Face” developed from years of 50% off Sale Day at the thrift shop. When we pull that face out, we are trusting that you will overachieve in your assignment of using the shopping cart as a battering ram when we signal the start of war with the code word of, “KILL!”
7. We refuse to wear a skirt/dress/or other apparel that will hinder our success in unearthing junk because we have had too many memories of picking our way across an overgrown field, in heels/dress clothes/or other ridiculous apparel that a man must have created for a woman, to check out an abandoned old home or junk pile.
8. If you see a strange glow in the middle of the night from our cell phones, we are looking, yet again, at the Antique, Furniture, Farm+Garden, Materials, Free…okay fine! We haunt every For Sale section of CraigsList AND we have a running list of key words to type in which gives us the optimum chance of finding the good deals faster than anyone else. By the way, can we pick up a few things from Craigslist tomorrow?
9. We have fine-tuned our skills of observation- this is why we can identify, in detail, an object we saw for a split second as we were driving to wherever we were supposed to be going and no, we aren’t drunk/suffering from a medical emergency that made us stand on the brakes of our cars so that we could go from 60 mph to park in order to get a closer look.
10. No, that isn’t junk mail- we really did start a business out all of this craziness. We suggest you jump aboard the USS Crazy Boat and grab an oar. We are about to go on a wild ride. Life jackets, anyone?
Bonus: You have ended a fight/argument, started by another addict that swore they saw it first, based only on you giving the “Fight Face” look…AND walked away victorious with the treasure clenched tightly in your fists, I want to meet you.
This list is far from being complete- Put your suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to hear from you as to what else should be added!