Wedding Cake Criminals
In continuing with the Blogging Break Updates, I wanted to fill you in on the wedding planning…
When we left off, I became engaged to Mr. Old House Chic in May of 2015. If you missed it, I wrote about the heist I had to carry out with my best friend in order to keep the engagement a secret until I could travel from Denver, Colorado where I live, to the Dallas Fort Worth area, where all of my family lives. I had to juggle getting off of work, buying plane tickets, arranging a ride from the airport and getting to my Mom and sister before the news could get there first. I pulled it all off (I still don’t know how that happened…) and then began to plan for my wedding in April of 2016. I thought I was going to plan a beautiful Vintage DIY Wedding…but no.
After carrying out my heist and telling my family about my engagement to Mr. Old House Chic, the wedding plans were off and running…and straight into a brick wall when I realized just how expensive it was all going to be. My DIY heart was offended to the point that all planning came to a stop when I staged a silent protest against the whole wedding industry.
$800 for a cake?!
$6000 for a wedding venue?!
$1000 for a dress?!
I wanted to stomp into the closest wedding cake provider (AKA: the unfortunate store that showed up first on Google and was closest to my house) and stand in the middle of the store and scream, in such a way that assured everyone present that my mind took a mental break, “I have to take out a LOAN for a mediocre cake?! Cake is my favorite thing! LISTEN UP! NO! No, Ma’am set down that phone, I’ll be gone in a minute! I didn’t mean to scare you but LISTEN HERE! What?! No, I’m not robbing the place! I’m delivering a message! LISTEN! I’m going to a donut shop and I’m going to make my own cake out of DONUTS! Yes, it does count as cake! YES, IT DOES! You hear that?! Yeah! SHOCKING! I’m going to DO IT YOURSELF…MYSELF…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
In my mind, before making a grand exit, I yank my checklist out of my purse and show the cake criminal crowd, determined to be discriminatory towards donuts, the one thing written on it: “CAKE.”
I glared at each and every cake criminal that I am sure was trying to run their cake racket around the screaming lunatic in the middle of their store, and smugly checked it off the list with a slash of my super sharp pencil. TAKE THAT! I stomped out of the store as if the whole cake industry would grind to an immediate halt because I protested wedding cake and chose a donut cake instead.
After that one battle obviously won, I realized there were 265 more to go and refused to participate…until my mother got a hold of me.
My mom, thank god, picked up my planning efforts- all one day of them (the infamous Battle of the Cake Day)- and has been running since with the whole event. My mom is now my Wedding Planner, bless her poor heart, and will be able to write a book (and earn a Medal of Honor) after my wedding day is over, entitled “Dragging Your Cheapskate Daughter to the Altar: A Harrowing Story of One Mother’s battle against the Bride from Hell.”
I demand royalties…
I laugh now when I go back and read the Vintage DIY Wedding post I wrote, which seems so long ago but was actually just at the beginning of the summer. I was blissfully naive as to how much I would lose my mind over the wedding stuff and go from fresh faced and eyes full of wedding planning wonder to the crazy doughnut wielding avenger.
I have since found a happy medium between the two extreme personalities and I have my mother, my fantastic, amazing, wonderful mother, to thank completely for it…